Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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