I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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