Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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