im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
