a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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