I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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