Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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