I think I am morally bankrupt
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
