had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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