So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
