and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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