My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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