i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
