why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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