Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
