NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
