She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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