i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
