I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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