i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
