Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
