There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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