On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
