words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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