Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
