I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
