My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
