if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize