census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
