Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
two words: eviction party
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
