If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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