3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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