I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
