I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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