bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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