Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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