Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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