Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
