Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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