I think my fart just growled at me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
