I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
