Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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