She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
