I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
