i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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