Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Randomize
