matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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