I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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