I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
