I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
