someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
