"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize