his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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