just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize