I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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