Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
