My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
