dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
